Kickin it one shots
by angel67895
Summary: A bunch of one shots with the whole gang. See the crazy situations jack, Kim, and everyone else goes through. Rated T for a reason. Leave suggestions on what to write next. :)
1. Jerry Martinez show

**Kickin it one shots : Jerry Martinez show **

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

**JERRY:** Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Jack is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Brett. So everyone please put your hands together for Jack!

**Jerry:** Okay, now Jack you're here to talk about someone aren't you?

**You:** Yes.

**Jerry:** And what is this other persons name?

**You:** Kim.

The crowd SQUEALS with delight.

**Jerry:** Okay, okay, well Kim, is actually here tonight...

The crowd SQUEALS once more.

**Jerry:** But first we have a surprise for you Jack, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Eddie!

**You:** What the HELL!

Out of nowhere you pull out a Pocket knife. Eddie reaches for the Vase. Out of the shadows Grace appears.

**Grace:** Wait everybody wait!

**Jerry:** Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Eddie.

**Eddie:** Because I saw Jack and Grace making out at Club!

The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.

**Grace:** That's a lie! I was home watching Full house!

**Jerry:** (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Eddie?

**Eddie:** Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Brett who has recently become engaged to Grace.

The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.

**Jerry:** Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Brett out here because Jack had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Kim that's right!****

Brett: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Kim! You know I'm how I feel about Kim!.****

Grace: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Kim!

**Brett:** Because I knew that I could never have Kim. But Jack promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!

**Grace:** What about respect for MY feelings!

Eddie walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Brett.

**Eddie:** Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.

Again the crowd SQUEALS.

**Grace:** Oh my God! Are you SICK!

Grace runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.

**Grace:** Jack take me away from all of this!

**You:** You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...

The crowd does its bit.

**Grace:** Married?

You nod.

**Grace:** Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!

**You:** The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Kim.

**Brett:** (screaming) WHAT!

**Jerry:** (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?

**Kim:** (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 4 times if that's what you mean.

The crowd squeals.

**Jerry:** Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Jack is married to Kim who Brett has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Brett has recently become engaged to Grace who was recently spotted kissing Jack in the Club. Now on top of this Eddie has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Brett.

**Kim:** That's right Jerry.

**Jerry:** (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.

Queue cheesy background music and fade to black. 

**(c) 2011 The Shrine of Insanity**


	2. Soap Opera

**Kickin it one shots: soap opera **

Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!

It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and Jerry cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.

**You:** Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...

**Jerry:** No! No...I can't.

**You:** Comeon babe, nobody will even know...

**Jerry:** It's just...just that...I feel bad.

**You:** You're worried about Kelsey aren't you?

**Jerry:** I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because Kelsey has a problem -

**You:** A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that Kelsey has been addicted to Weed for years!

**Jerry:** I think that you should leave...

**You:** Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with Kelsey anymore.

Meanwhile, across town in the Weed rehabilitation clinic...

**Donna tobin:** Okay Kelsey I think you're ready to face the outside world again.

**Kelsey:** Really? I'm...I'm cured?

**Donna tobin:** Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by Weed just look the other way. Good luck.

Kelsey looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears Jack carrying a bundle of hands it over to Donna tobin and they shake hands.

**Jack:** Thank you SO much, I am so grateful.

**Donna tobin:** No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig Kelsey's recovery so soon?

Jack looks uncomfortable and frowns.

**Donna tobin:** Well?

**Jack:** You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since Kelsey has been in here Kim and Jerry have been getting really close...TOO close.

**Donna tobin:** And?

**Jack:** Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with Kim.

Meanwhile, Grace groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. Grace was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.

**Doctor:** Grace I'm sorry but the news isn't good...

**Grace:** Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.

**Doctor:** You are suffering very badly from Malaria. You probably have a few days to live at most.

**Grace:** Oh no Doc! Oh no! What am I going to do?

**Doctor:** If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.

**Grace:** Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.

Grace rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, Donna tobin sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written Weed and below it an image of what the word represents...

**Donna tobin:** (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get Kelsey to snap then nothing will. All I need is for Kelsey to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on Kim...mwa-ha-ha.

Donna tobin walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to Jerry and Kelsey's house.

Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find Jack waiting at your door.

**Jack:** Hey...

**You:** Umm...hi...what can I do for you?

**Jack:** I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some Whipped cream off each other...

**You:** I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -

**Jack:** Kelsey was released from rehab today.

**You:** Oh?

**Jack:**Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on Jerry...but I'm here so...

**You:** Eat Whipped cream off each other did you say?

**Jack:** Oh yeah.

**You:** Won't you come in?

Meanwhile, Grace pulls into Jerry's driveway and rushes to the door.

**Grace:** Jerry please come out, I really need to speak to you!

**Jerry:** Grace is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...

**Grace:** I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with Malaria.

**Jerry:**Oh my God... Grace I'm sorry...does Kim know?

**Grace:** No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...

**Jerry:** Yes?

**Grace:** I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you Jerry.

**Jerry:** Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...

Meanwhile, Kelsey slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to Weed, ready to surprise Jerry. As Kelsey passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, Kelsey's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of Jerry and Grace talking at the front door. This sends Kelsey into a fit of jealous rage...

But before we look at what happens there let's come back to Donna tobin who is sitting down watching some quality television.

**Donna tobin:** Ahh that's good stuff...

There is a knock at the door.

**Donna tobin:** Who is it?

**Voice:** Open up, it's the police!

Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...

**You:** Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...

**Jack:** Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...

Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to Jerry and Kelsey's house...

**Grace:** Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!

**Kelsey:** (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!

**Jerry:** Kelsey what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?

**Kelsey:** Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with Grace here.

**Jerry:** No! Please, Grace's dying!

**Kelsey:** You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!

And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...

No, actually that was terrible and there probably won't be any more of the internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera... Babes and Bastards!


	3. Action movie

**Kickin it one shots: The Action Movie**

**Scene One:**

_The camera shows a large building that reaches for the sky. The building is surrounded by police cars and officers barking orders into their radios. Kim is wearing a headset and looks worried..._

**Kim:** Jack can you hear me? What's happening in there?

_The scene rapidly disolves and we find Jack exploring empty offices...suddenly his eyes widen in terror and he speaks into the headset that he is wearing..._

**Jack:** Holy shit Kim I've found it! Looks pretty standard, set on a digital timer...

_We hear Kim's voice come over the headphones..._

**Kim:** How much time do you have?

**Jack:** About five and a half minutes...

**Kim:** Okay Jack, don't mess around in there, get the hell out.

**Jack:** No, I think I can do this. There's only two wires.

**Kim:** Shit Jack forget about the heroics and just get the hell out of there! I do NOT want to be scraping your body off the sidewalk in five and a half minutes time!

**Jack:** Actually it's more like four minutes now...

**Kim:** Cut the crap! Get out of there! NOW!

**Jack:** I can't. I'd never make it out in time. I'm on the fifteenth floor.

**Kim:** Shit!

**Jack:** You're tellin' me!

**Kim:** Okay, okay what colour are the wires? We'll get you out of there don't worry.

_Jack wipes the perspiration from his forehead as he stares at the timer. It is down to two and a half minutes and dissapearing fast..._

**Jack:** Red and green.

**Kim:** Okay. Just hold on.

**Jack:** Oh don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.

**Scene Two:**

_The camera is back outside and we watch as Kim makes a mad dash across the pavement..._

**Kim:** Jerry! Jerry where are you!

_Jerry steps out of one of the police cars wearing a jacket that says BOMB EXPERT._

**Jerry:** What is it? Did something happen to Jack? Hey don't worry babe, you've got a shoulder to cry on right here ANY time you need it.

_Jerry tips Kim a wink._

**Kim:** No you idiot! Jack is trapped inside! There's a bomb and two wires, he needs to know which one to cut!

**Jerry:** Oh...he should definately cut the red one. Always the red one. Go on, tell him to cut the red one.

**Kim:** You sure?

**Jerry:** Sure as I'll ever be!

**Kim:** (_into her headset_) Jack did you hear that? Go red! Go red!

**Scene Three:**

_Jack stands over the bomb holding his trusty swiss army knife. He heard Jerry's advice over the headset, but something just didn't quite gel with what he had said. The clock on the bomb now read less than a minute, seconds ticking quickly away. Slowly Jack moves his hand down towards the two coloured wires and cuts..._

_...The red one. The numbers on the bomb stop counting down and it beeps loudly before they begin a sudden decent downwards, the numbers changing too quickly to see..._

**Jack:** Wait a second! How did Jerry know which wire to cut when I never even told him the choices? This was a set-up!

_Suddenly an explosion tears through the building. Debris is thrown in every direction and those outside have to duck for cover. Kim screams and turns in Jerry's direction just in time to see their smile fade._

**Kim:** YOU set that bomb didn't you! You set him up! You son of a bitch!

_Kim grabs at the gun at her waist and draws it out, levelling it on Jerry's head._

**Kim:** And now...you'll pay...

**Jerry:** Nooooooo!

_Kim pulls the trigger and the muzzle of the gun lights up. The bullet tears through Jerry's head and leaves a bloody smear on the ground. In the distance we see a figure crawling out of the rubble...it is Jack...Kim turns and sees him clawing his way free and runs madly towards him._

**Kim:** Jack you're alright! Oh thank God you're alright!

_And so it ends...as do they all, with our hero surviving a ridiculously fatal explosion and, as always, getting the girl who he will undoubtably ravage in bed that very night despite the fact that third degree burns will be covering at least 90% of his body..._

**Kim:** Why did you stay there when I told you to get out?

**Jack:** (_Looks up and smiles_) I'm sorry. I just wanted to be the hero...

**Kim:** Well as punishment...no sex for you tonight.

_...Well okay, maybe I was wrong this time._

**Undoubtably, this is...THE END. Roll credits.**


	4. Another Jerry Martinez (springer) show

**Kickin it one shots: Springer 3.0**

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

**Jerry:** Today on the Jerry Slinger Show, our guests will be revealing their deepest secrets to their partners, and boy are those secrets deep. Our first guest today is Jack who has come all the way from Seaford.

**Jack:** walks out onto the stage and the crowd cheers madly.

**Jerry:** So Jack, you're here to reveal a hidden secret to your partner Kim, is that right?

**Jack:** Yes Jerry, that's right. I think it's time I finally came clean.

**Crowd:** Oooohhhhhhh!

**Jerry:** Should we bring Kim out?

**Jack:** Well, I guess that's what I'm here for.

**Jerry:** Okay, let's welcome Kim!

The crowd cheers wildly.

You walk out to the stage with the bright lights and the cheering crowd and take a seat next to Jack.

**Jerry:** Welcome to the show Kim, it's great to have you with us.

**You:** Thanks Jerry, it's great to be here.

**Jerry:** So how long have you and Jack been together?

**You:** About Nine years now.

**Jerry:** Well Jack here has asked you to come on our show so that they could tell you something, do you have any idea what they have to tell you?

**You:** No Jerry, I have no idea.

**Jerry:** Well I guess it's time to find out! Jack what did you want to reveal to Kim today?

**Jack:** Well Jerry, a couple of things have changed since Kim and I have been together.

You look at Jack suspiciously.

**Jerry:** And what are those changes Jack?

**Jack:** Well, I've been working a second job at nights to bring in a bit more money at home.

You nod, Jack has been working at the local 7/11 at nights.

**Jerry:** What exactly is the second job you've taken on?

**Jack:** Well you see, Kim thinks that I've been working nightshift over at the 7/11, but the truth is that I've been selling my body for money.

The crowd goes insane!

You are stunned, you're not sure whether to believe Jack or not, but considering they've just made this confession in front of the world, you figure they're probably telling the truth. You slide your chair away from your partner.

**You:** How long has this been going on for?

**Jack:** About three months now. I was going to tell you but I could never find the right time...

**You:** And you thought that here on national television was the best possible time you could choose to tell me?

The crowd starts booing and jeering at Jack as though possessed!

**Jack:** Well, I thought it might be a bit easier for you to take here on Jerry. I was only doing it so that we had enough money.

**You:** We HAVE enough money. You're working during the day as a Karate and I work full time as a Interior designer and that brings home more than enough money. We've always gotten along just fine without you going around the place whoring your body off.

**Crowd:** Oooohhhhhh!

**Jack:** Well I wanted to buy you nice things, how do you think I could afford to buy you that Necklace ?

**You:** You bought me that with your whore money? You know what you can do with that Necklace ? You can stick it up your ass!

The crowd cheers and screams loudly in your favour. They begin chanting 'dirty whore' at your partner.

**Jack:** But Babe, I was only doing it for you!

**You:** Doing it for me, my ass! Get your dirty whores body out of my sight right now! Maybe I've got a confession of my own to make...

**Crowd:** Oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

**Jerry:** You have something to confess to Jack? Well why don't we hear it?!

**You:** Well Jerry, I've been sleeping with someone else while Jack here has been out working at nights.

**Jack:** What the hell?

**You:** That's right Jack, me and Grace have been getting it on while you've been sleeping around with total strangers.

**Jack:** Actually, they weren't all total strangers... Kelsey is one of my regular clients, as well as Joan.

Once again you are stunned. The crowd goes absolutely crazy.

**Jerry:** Well, we certainly seem to have some serious revelations on our hands today ladies and gentlemen!

**Crowd:** Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

**Jerry:** And it just so happens that we have Grace, Kelsey and even Joan waiting backstage! Let's bring them out!

The crowd is standing and cheering. Excitement levels are high.

Grace, Kelsey and Joan all walk out onto the stage. Grace kisses you and the crowd cheers even louder. All three guests take seats.

**Jerry:** Welcome to the show folks. Now, let me get this straight... Jack is a prostitute who works nights, Kelsey and Joan are two regular clients and during this time Kim has been spending nights with Grace.

**Jack:** How could you do this to me Kim?

**You:** How could I do this to YOU? You're the one whoring your body all over town!

**Jack:**Yeah, but you didn't know about that until today!

**You:** And Kelsey, why in the hell didn't you tell me what was going on?

**Kelsey:** Jack told me that you already knew and said that it was okay... I was kind of hoping that maybe one day we could all hook up for a threesome...

**You:** OH MY GOD, are you people all insane?

**Joan:** Actually yes, I was diagnosed as clinically insane right after that err... Incident. The doctor recommended I see a prostitute on a regular basis so that my sex cravings don't consume me, and boy is Jack good.

Joan winks at Jack. You leap up from your seat, rushing towards Joan. Big Brad holds you back.

**Crowd:** Brad! Brad! Brad!

**You:** I don't have to put up with this Jerry. It's over between us Jack.

**Crowd:** Oooohhhhhh!

Jack looks visibly upset at this and stands up.

**Jack:** Wait! Wait! There's one more thing I brought you here to tell you Kim, please just hear me out.

**You:** I'm not sure I want to hear anything else you have to say.

**Jack:** Well I'm hoping this will change your mind...

Jack holds out a small box towards you. The crowd cheers.

**Jack:** I know everything you've heard has been a lot for you to take in. But the other reason I brought you here was to tell you that I'm done with whoring and that I only want to be with you...

**You:** Hmm.

**Jack:** Kim... Will you marry me, right now, on Slinger?

**You:** Right now?

**Joan:** No! Jack you can't do this!

**Kelsey:** We need you!

**Grace:** What about me?

You stand for a moment unsure of what to do. Then you look Jack in the eyes and say...

**THE END 3**


End file.
